Twice and a Blue Moon

When I look back on my life up to this point I see it as being two distinct chapters with Chapter One being everything before having children and Chapter Two as my life as a parent.  If I had to sum up my life before having children it would probably be something like, “Everything is much easier than I realize.” I’m only four years into this parenting gig but it’s certainly true (even if cliche) that parenthood changes most everything about everything. And while I have many more years before I’ll likely know the one tag line that will perfectly sum up this current chapter of my life, I have been working on a few place holders in the meantime. My Life as a Parent Tag Lines in no particular order:

Not Pregnant. Just Love Halloween Candy.

That’s a Snickers baby and a Milk Way Muffin Top, thank you very much.  Now please stop analyzing my Baby Ruth Bump. 

Never going to “try for a girl.”

Thanks for implying that there is something incomplete about my family!  And which of my kids was born the wrong sex again? Kiss kiss!

1 Truth: There is always poop.

Do I smell something? Do I see something?  When in doubt the answer is , “yes” and even if I’m wrong, all I have to do is wait another 15 minutes. 

Yes, That’s my kid licking the floor.

Oh, your child already knows all their numbers and letters and is currently working on conjugating verbs in their second language? Fabulous! My child cleans spilled milk with his tongue and likes to head bang to Twisted Sister songs!

With Coffee & Wine, Everything is Fine.

My dear friend, Coffee – you perk me up to handle the day ahead. Sweet lovely wine, you are the best reward for making it through the day with as many children as I started with. 

I smell my kid’s butt. 

Despite your look of disgust as I take a deep whiff of my child’s behind it’s an understood parenting truth that the sniff tests continues to be the universally preferred way to check diaper status. 

Pillow, Blanket & Netflix. #SquadGoals

Back when “squads” were “cliques”  and “Netflix” was “Blockbuster” I used to think being social was the key to life. Now my only social is social media and I’d take the next season of OITNB in my living room wearing cozy pants  over a night out in the real world which would require lots and lots of makeup and sucking it in (with the “it” being my Snickers baby mentioned above, of course.)  

I heart Naptime. AKA: If you wake my child I will end you.

Dear delivery man, prosthelytizers and solar power salespersons – the hours between 1pm and 3 pm are sacred in my home. If you ring my bell, knock on my door or in any way alert my dogs of your presence resulting in barking, so help me, I will lose any and all cool straight upon your poor peace ending soul.  Have a blessed day!

 Gray hair. Yes, I care. 

Dogs are said to age 7 “dog years” for every one year that passes.  A lessor known fact (warning:  I use the term “fact” very loosely) is that mothers of young children age  3 years for each newborn period and 2 years for every year there after. 

Wiper of Butts. Provided of Fruit Snacks. 

Hi there! I’m an educated woman who once boasted a generally successful career working with people from all corners of the globe.  And my day now consists of making sure all the butts in my house are dry and clean. Cheers!

Oh, for the love of. – Me

My children, my loves, my terrors. The only other sentence that might leave my mouth more often than this is, “are you freaking kidding me?” And no. No, they aren’t ever kidding me. 

I still have 16 years left until my littlest bird should be flying the coop. Plenty of time to narrow down, rethink and rework the above into a nice concise summary statement that defines my parenthood years.  In the meantime, if anyone out there has an Etsy shop and is over the whole, “messy bun don’t care” trend – I’ve got a whole teeshirt line of slogans right here ripe for the taking!