Motherhood is a hot topic around the blogosphere and supposedly lists are the way to grab attention so after a little thought about what “knowledge bomb” I could drop about motherhood I came up with my list of ways I’m totally “bombing” at this thing called parenthood. (Knowledge bomb straight to bombing – That’s how my brain works people. You just saw it in action. Be amazed!)

1. I Turn On The TV

The American Academy of Pediatrics recently announced that they have lowered their recommended daily screen time maximum for children ages 2-5 years old down to one hour per day. One measly little hour. That isn’t even one Minion Movie. That still leaves me with 13 other hours to fill with activities that don’t involve any peace or quiet for me.  Most days I wasn’t even succeeding at this parenthood point when the recommendation was 2 hours. Not happening AAP.  Sorry. I will take my failing grade here.

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It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown is educational, right?

 

2. I Say Shit 

I curse, I swear, I say naughty words.  I tried – oh yes, I tried to curb my potty mouth once my kids hit the repeat everything they hear stage but the reality is that I like bad words. No amount of “jeez Louises” or “gosh darn its” can take the place of the true real humdingers. When I say a bad word in front of my kids and my 4 year old tells me, “you can’t say that word!” I reply with, ” I am a grown up – I can say ANYTHING I want to. YOU can’t say that word.”  #momlogic

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F*$k!%G $$$

 

3. I Time Out

The newest parenting trend when it comes to punishments with kids is to skip them.  Something about validating kids emotions instead of something something something (clearly I didn’t read the entire article).  Y’all – I time out like nobody’s business. The corner. Their room. Whatever the place and no matter the case, my kids will get a time out if I deem they deserve one. I am a HUGE believer in natural consequences and the natural consequence of pissing off mama is that your butt ends up in your bedroom. One article I saw called time outs “symbolic abandonment.” I call it, “if you are acting like a jerk, no one, including your very loving and very caring mother, will want to play with you.”

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Even Captain America isn’t exempt from the Time Out rule

 

4. I Make It Up as I Go

These days there seems to be a parenting method or parenting tactic to fit every style and occasion but much like most of my college mid-terms, I prefer to hit every stage completely unprepared and just wing it.  Sleep training, potty training, tantrum curbing, wonder weeking – a few times I glanced at articles but I just couldn’t make myself try to prepare for parenthood.  Sorry kids.  You’ll get the M&Ms for a “good” potty and wine for mommy in the event of a “bad” potty method that I made up all on my own!

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This one is clearly a potty training win.

 

5. I Play My Music

I don’t do kids radio.  I like music. Hell, I LOVE music.  But I do not love kid versions of music. No Disney Radio. No kid stations on Pandora. The result of this has been that my 4 year old can sing the radio version of Flo Riders Apple Bottom Jeans and my 2 year old is well versed in the radio version of Nicki Minaj’s Starships. Shake your head at me all you want but try not to smile when my curly haired toddler sings, “lets do this one more time.”

6.  I Buy Junk Food 

There are days where the only thing that gets us through are Fruit Snacks.  Protein is great. Veggies are fantastic. But when I need to keep my kids from screaming through the grocery store or screaming through Costco or screaming in the stroller (you see a pattern here?) I throw out Fruit Snacks like a Baseball Team Mascot with a Tee-shirt cannon.

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48 Fruit Snacks – that should last about a week?

And while I could go on and on about my faults for the sake of making this a short, snappy readable list, I’ll end with lucky Number 7 (while my children currently are busy doing a combo of Number 1 and Number 6) …

7. I Have No Shame

I do my best as a parent and I am nowhere near perfect. I said it! It’s out there. I’m NOT perfect. And I’m ok with that.  I have no shame in my mom game. So to my two boys, I am sorry to say, you are stuck with me, your electronic watching, bad word saying, time out giving, unprepared, radio station controlling mother who feeds you fruit snacks like there is no tomorrow and who happens to love you more than anything in the whole planet today.