As a parent of 2 small kids I have found myself aware/impressed that certain personality traits are already blossoming and quite apparent even at this young of an age. I’ve decided to give my children an advantage in life by working up the first draft of their resume for them using their skills to date. First up, Mr. Terrible 2.
BROGAN THE DESTROYER
Well rounded and anxiety inducing toddler seeks gainful employment as a security analyst and/or safety officer. Excels at locating any and all areas of home and surrounding perimeter that are at risk of break out or are in imminent danger of being forcefully damaged or ingested.
Lock Expert, Toddlers Causing Heart Attacks, Inc
Are you freaking kidding me, California — 2015-2016
Capable wall climber and lock turner. Will persevere against any door any time. Skilled in the art of levitation.
- Made mom say “Oh Shit!”
- Caused Mom to envision her story on the evening news.
- Caused Dogs to give mom the “He’s doing it again” face
- Didn’t even break a sweat
Taste Tester, Call Poison Control, Inc
Seriously Dude?!, California — 2015-2016
Determined and curious, I’ll chew, lick or drink, and random item to answer the age old question, “I wonder what this tastes like?”
- Left mark on furniture including but not limited to crib, coffee table and dining room table
- Taste tested Fall Flavored Glade Plug in to win Ultimate #Basic of 2015
- Will drink out of any abandoned cup no matter how funky the smell
- Overachiever who continues to hone skill even after developmentally normal
Furniture Durability and Quality Control, Get the Hell off the Table, Inc
You’re Killing Me Smalls, California — 2015-2016
Problem Solver with ambition and direction who will climb any chair, table or counter top to assure that your furniture can withhold 26.5lbs.
- Seen the top of every counter, dresser and table in tri-room area
- Skilled at locating Mom’s candy stashes
- Has yet to crack skull open
School of Rock
Master’s Degree in Head Banging — 2014-2016
Spent 2 years studying the art of the perfect head bang with a minor in Sammy Hagar Hair Studies. Voted “Most Likely to Rock and Roll All Night” AND “Most Likely to Party Every Day.”
- Self starter partier
- High energy hair flinger
- Will party any time of day, not limited to but most definitely including 6am
Peer Group References on Request